Well I’m back – January 30th

The thing about setting up a goal that is every day is that I have never done it. It’s hard to open time to do things. If this is of any self-consolation: I have been doing thankfulness exercises outside of the blog and I am not giving up on this, even though I neglected it. I think this, like healthy eating, doesn’t need to be black and white… just because you slipped and fell into a cake slice with your open mouth, well, that doesn’t mean you have to eat the whole cake and give up entirely on everything forever.

Today I’m thankful for I am a single woman again. Yes, yes, it hurts and yes, yes I’m biting my fingers not to text the man, after all I didn’t decide to do this BUT you know what? I was unhappy, he was neglectful and I am the kind of person who needs communication and sweetness. Might be cultural (tho, for a Latina, I am sometimes called cold), might be personality or the fact that I am actually ready to be stable and in a relationship, either way he was not pulling the weight and I am sad now but I know happy in the long run.

He just got out of a marriage (almost a year now) and his wife was calling him to cry over her next bf’s breakup. That’s not something I want to deal with. On top of that they have a work project together that was extended by half a year due to complications – That seemed fine to me but he was getting affected by this. Depressed, etc. Frankly, he wasn’t ready and I felt it from the beginning but, since he said he was, I threw caution to the wind and decided to go for it, only for him to discover that I was right and he was not ready. He apologized for throwing us into something way more serious that he was ready for. the breakup was about him not having time or the presence of mind to be in a relationship rn. He also had almost avoided breaking up with me face to face, that’s how little he could deal with me. I understand, in a way. Here’s the thing tho: I’m not a thing to be “dealt” “with” I am a wonderful, loving individual who was giving him her all, sleeping there all the time, putting nail caps on my cat and bringing breakfast to bed to wake him up in better moods and, in reality… well, he wouldn’t do (or have the energy to do) these things for me. He was not ready to be a team. This is without even mentioning how he’d broken up with me before instead of talking to me about what he needed. Which I find emotionally immature or, maybe lazy. So…

I am grateful today for my pain. I’m grateful for the capacity I have to think WHEW! I dodged a bullet even while feeling pain and the classic breakup void. Yes, my ego hurts, yes I feel fooled and like I did a trust fall and hit the ground… yes, I am embarrassed and kind of afraid to see him with a new GF rather soon and find out that he lied about the relationship readiness so he wouldn’t have to tell me he just doesn’t like me, yes to all that HOWEVER also yes to me understanding that when I get a feeling about someone I should follow it, no matter what THEY say. Yes to me saying, at the end of this year, that I wanted to eliminate anyone who would slow me down and people weed themselves out of my life with ease. Yes to this happening now and not a year in. Yes to me being busy rn and actually relieved I don’t have to worry about why he didn’t text me back all day… because now, as much as I would love it, I’m not EXPECTING him to… at all, and that’s a relief of sort, more and more as time goes by. Yes to all my single girlfriends who smiled a bit inside when I said I was available to hang out with them. Yes to feeling so wanted in OKCupid even tho I’m terrified. Yes to not wondering why my BF doesn’t ever sleep in my place. Yes to having a real good excuse to focus on my projects hardcore. Yes to not worrying about looking good for someone, even if it’s but a little bit, but, instead, entirely for me. Yes sleeping more, sleeping home more and not feeling like a terrible mom to my cat, yes to my nights of flirting and not worrying about whether we are seeing each other too much and whether I’ve abandoned my friends. Yes to me starting over, however many times it takes to get it right and be with a person that I love.

On top of that, as I mourn our incredible chemistry, attraction, interactions and Sunday leg tangling that’s so addictive… well, I see how he was light years closer to my ideal person than the last ex, and even more than the previous to last ex. I see myself, I feel myself coming closer to what I truly really want, the person for me. What I’m willing to take and not has become more refined and specific and I am thankful for that. This albeit painful experience is to be thanked, for I am now one or two clues closer. Yesterday I thought I was not going to be able to take it, not again, wondering if he’d come back… today, after thinking a lot, I feel that if he came back I would say it’s too late. Not out of revenge or pride or a false sense of empowerment because I’m weak but because my trust was broken and I’m thankful of my now higher standards.

Advertisements

Habit, Habit, Habit (Skipable practice post)

Ronnie here! As 2017 approaches and I’m deciding to put myself through a huge undertaking that I’m absolutely not used to doing, I decided to start practicing and making the habit of writing daily starting now. This post ended up longer than I thought and it’s good to know. Bare with me as I find my pace and ideal length or wait until Jan 1st. OK to start, some of my goals with this blog are:

  • To get to appreciate the things I take for granted my health, body, family, clothes, water, car, my cat being the best, etc.
  • I’d also love to change my aversion to LA as a city and find things to thank for.
  • Something I rarely do is acknowledge my work accomplishments or good things I have going for me and I want to be Grateful Daily!

First of all, I want to learn to focus on appreciating  Los Angeles, for now it’s easy as LA seems to have been abandoned by, ehm, literally everyone because most people leave during the holidays, I’m enjoying the silence and lack of emails requesting dumb stuff, I’m enjoying the non-truck ridden streets and the ease with which I can move about. And, though I’m a winter fan myself, I’m enjoying the rays of sun that have filled my mornings since I got back from FL. LOS ANGELES, I WILL FIND A WAY TO BE THANKFUL FOR YOU YEAR ROUND!

1322

On a personal note, these days my boyfriend is not going into the office so, although we are both being productive, for the first time we are both spending long leisurely mornings together, cuddling, having the ole sex, enjoying both our pets (I have a cat, he has a cute terrier, they are terrified of each other) and getting to have dinner with people we enjoy. I love seeing him work and planning meals together and I’m thankful that he’s in my life. Last night I was thinking he’s really a perfect match for me, not only our bodies fit like a 2-puzzle pieces set but we get along phenomenally.

Regarding my cat well, well, well this one is not hard to be thankful for. I am SO happy my cat is in my life. You see, I have the best cat on Earth (Before you hate, know that I’m aware of the poop toxin/brain thing). I had her since she was a kitten so you bet I know this lil ho, I rescued her when she was but a rat-sized rat. I never thought I’d get a cat, you see? I’m a dog person. But (and this is a longer story) I once, jokingly, told my friend that if I ever got a cat I’d like it to be a 1. Russian Blue because I find their blue grayness elegant 2. I’d only like a female and 3. It’s gotta be a kitten, so I can know/shape her a bit more. Less than two days later, our of the blue, my friend tapped on my shoulder and showed me a picture of a gray, female kitten, it was my cat and her twin Dory, she was on the way to adopting Dory and, randomly, offered me to take the other one. How did this happen? It was the cat I’d jokingly called my ideal cat, materialized in front of my eyes two days later. TWILIGHT ZONE! There’s more to this story and I’ll tell you about it in another post but I am SO THANKFUL that I got the exact cat I was looking for, not just in those external characteristics but she is MY ideal cat in EVERY SINGLE WAY.

Mina, my cat, and I have built codes of communication that we both mostly respect. I hold her and manipulate her body whenever without ever getting scratched, in fact I don’t even think she knows she can just go WAAAGH and Scarface me. I motor boat her belly (unheard of in cats) and carry her upside down around the house so she can get a different view of the objects she’s so used to. Despite getting weird looks, I walk her in my building’s yard with a leash and I groom her with a comb, frequently. It gives me and her great pleasure, I don’t want her to be my little slave, I want her to have a life. In exchange, she does a little specific meow when she’s done with me handling her, when I hear it I respect it and let her go, she knows this so, even if she might kinda try to go away, she truly only means biz when she gives me that exact noise. It works. Mina also has come up with a noise that I’ve only heard when she’s trying to get my attention, I assume this is the name she’s given me “TrrrrrrrRRR” (higher pitched at the end) I love that. She’s not a lap cat but she has taught me when and how to pet her, how to play with her and she knows how to let me know it’s time to eat in a gentle, funny way. It’s all so subtle with cats, all requires patience and mad observation skills, there’s a lot of mind games and I just LOVE THAT, ultimately the relationship is rich in non-spoken language that makes me feel so connected to nature and has taught me a lot about reading people and myself. She’s delicious and I love her and her poop toxins possessing me are the best thing that’s happened to me.

As she coexists with my BF’s dog these days, she’s been hiding most the time, with a little time to play when BF walks the dog. But today she came all the way to the bed (unheard of, since the dog sleeps with us) and even dared to play chasing feathers around the bedroom and near the bed. Later she hung in the living room and, the once terrified dog, invited her to play with a toy, she didn’t play but she didn’t leave or hiss either, she even seemed like she wanted to play so bad but her survival instinct was saying “not yet” it made my day.

Workwise, I gotta be honest and admit that I’m struggling to make this are work i this blog BUT here’s a good thing out a not-so-fun-one: I am having a bit of a hard time deciding what to focus on SOOOOOO… I can begin by being thankful for all the options I got in my creative life. As an actress I mostly audition but as a writer and creator I am free to choose from whatever my brain desires and that’s true freedom, the freedom of following my passion.

WOW this was longer than I thought, specially coming from feeling like I was not able to feel thankfulness. I just got really excited to go on this journey.

-R