January 3rd: Fail is not in my dictionary

Yes, I’m back and yes I technically failed. My goal was to post EVERY DAY. But I did not write on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th. Five days. However, this is not the place where I beat myself up, this is the place where I pick myself up.

So I will say what I’ve been thankful for these days:

On the 2nd, Monday I was thankful to go home and spend time alone. I was also thankful I fought with my BF about my belief in manifesting, because that made me realize that my beliefs are important to me, that I don’t want anyone in my life trying to prove to me that I think I’m lucky because I don’t have specific goals. I don’t have time in my life to explain to someone how I know I have the power. The million instances where I thought of someone and they showed up or asked for a specific thing and it happened. I have focused all my energies in making the same effortless power happen for money and career stuff.

On the 3rd, Tuesday I was thankful for my BF broke up with me and I not only remained calm but confronted him that night in an open mindset, ready to listen and accept and also to negotiate and see what was up with him. It wasn’t easy but it’s a far cry from the mid 20’s girl screaming WHY to her on-again-off-again BF. This time I saw him and listened to him, regardless of how painful it could’ve been. I’m also thankful we figured out what was happening. He was depressed and confused about his career and thought “I don’t want her to see me like this and I can’t give her time and energy when I’m this depressed, better to let her go” he was embarrassed and scared and I understood him. He was thankful for the talk and I was too and we did not break up at all. It was all a wonderful learning experience I’m very grateful for. I also got booked to do a Guest Star in a popular Sitcom, they booked me sans audition and I’m so, so, so grateful for that.

On the 4th, Wednesday I had a commercial audition (which I never do because I hate cattle calls) and, later that day, I auditioned for the main character of a sitcom. A scientist woman, of all things. Very exciting whether I’m right for it or not. I felt funny and good and I clearly worked this character. The CD was kind, laughing and also directing me in a clear way. I thank days like this. I love days where I do my thing and I do it right. I was also thankful my BF seems more in love than ever.

On the 5th, Thursday I mostly cleaned my apartment and made it father presentable. My dad and his girlfriend got in that day and I made the apartment go from World War dramatization to a parents-are-coming friendly apartment. I also slept at my BF’s and have since. I also was on the phone with my aunt for a long time while I was cleaning up, talking about clearing our energies about certain topics. Both of us have a tendency to believe in the lack of money and we discussed more positive thoughts we can have on the subject. It was very productive in terms of personal goals and bonding in our already like-sisters relationship.

On the 6th, Friday I went to the sitcom’s table read and it was a special event for them, press was going to be there so the studio provided me with a driver, a make up artist and FOOOOD. I was very honored to be the only non-regular cast member at that press panel. I looked great and was funny. That afternoon I had an audition where I got to submerge in a character totally different from me. A 70’s starlet who’s excellent at manipulation. Nothing I’ve done before, this was so thrilling. I felt great all day and like a real actress. Not just a theoretical actress but an actress who acts. even if it’s in that tiny room in front of one man and a camera. AHHHHHHHH I LOVE IT. My dad also got me pots and pans. I went to party with my friends and then had fun rest of the night with my boyfriend, overall a big success of a day.

On the 7th, Saturday, I had rehearsal for a play I’m doing soon. It’s about cabaret dancers, prostitutes and it’s meant to be at a small bar where you can interact with the tables/audience. I understood, during my meeting, that this was not going to be an easy role for me to do and I was thankful and inspired by that. I also got three books on acting and loved perusing around Samuel French, oh I’m a Tinseltown stereotype but I love it.I also hung with my girlsfriends at a dive bar and then had a bit of a drunk night (me, I was drunk) with my sexy man. Mmmmmm sexy man.

On the 8th we had a delicious breakfast, he showed me a project he created, directed and edited, a project I’m in. We worked together and it was pretty fucking cool. He was cute and nervous to show me, hoped I liked it. I loved it. It was so strange to see myself in his project way before we started dating, way before we thought about it. I was proud of him. He said I was so good in it and I believe him. I said he’s the kind kind of funny person that will generously laugh when you joke, without any kind of shame or mind-game about it. Unashamedly enjoying a person’s humor is his strength (harder than it seems) and I said that he always made me feel I’m funny, I’m the funny person I am. He really loved that compliment. Later that day he said I made him laugh so hard he farted… my favorite compliment. We also went to a street vendor’s fair in LA and got ourselves some deals, he got me a necklace. My dad spent the day in Venice with his GF and I felt free. His parents said hi to me when he talked to them and I felt happy. We had a dinner with 7 other like minded people, filmmakers and actors and what not but all of them relaxed, all of them funny, all of them interested, curious, engaged, awake, alive, lovely, polite, sassy! It was a wonderful dinner I hope I never forget. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful artists.

 

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January 2nd: A NYE come down

Ronnie here. Coming from a brand new shiny day into the grind isn’t that easy but, nonetheless, there are things to be thankful for:

My cat has been really delicious since I’ve spent more time home. She even slept next to me on the couch last night after falling asleep to this documentary of twins who were separated at birth and found each other all thanks to a YouTube video. The documentary was so sweet but my cat was even more and I’m thankful for that. She usually doesn’t cuddle, much less near my face.

I’m very grateful that I have Netflix and a bunch of other things available any time I want. I have this laptop and I have food on the fridge and my basic needs are pretty much covered.

Work is something I’m looking for right now and yesterday I updated my resume and printed some physical ones. I also sent some online on Indeed and Craigslist. I’m thankful I have experience and resources to actively do this search and I’m happy that I know I will find the right thing. I am also thankful to myself for taking the time this morning to define a little better what I want and my limiting money believes.

Yesterday I started writing my YA novel. I’m not saying I know what I’m doing or that I got it all outlined perfectly but I did find something and that is a voice that I’m very excited by. My main character is not what I thought originally but I think it’s better. I have had this character in my head for so long and have placed her in so many contexts in my head and I feel like I finally got it. Thank you!

Tomorrow I have an audition. I’m thankful for that as well.

There’s a long way to go on this journey and I’m not always 100% but I gotta find things to be thankful for I must. Thank you for being here while that happens.

December 31st/January 1st (part II)

JANUARY 1st: THE GARDENS

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We woke up with the idea of going to Huntington Gardens. He’d been, I hadn’t. First we walked his dog and sign up on a list for the brunch place. We were far down. Dropped his dog off and got my car. We decided to go check another place and see if it was open, it’s cheaper too. It was closed. On the way back to the brunch spot we wondered if we’d gotten skipped but it all happened with a cosmic coincidence of a movie. We found a parking spot that was the closest possible to the restaurant and was  exactly the size of my Smart car, as we walked to the restaurant we see the hostess come outside, hold the list and loudly announce our name. PERFECT! Thank you for perfection.

Brunch was delicious, I suggested a popular-in-Latin-America-dessert, Tres Leches, and BF orderer right up top, I had a feeling that if he likes Horchata Latte so much he was going to  definitely love this one. Basically, I was a perfect Netflix in terms of suggesting because he tasted it and his face changed into the face of someone who’s head was split right open. In fact, those were his words -This dessert split my head right open- YES! He’s also been feeling a song I showed him and a podcast I showed him. Him liking things I show him makes me feel cool. I like his things he shows me. It’s cool. I know It’s kinda lame to want to be cool but I love being cool, a cool girl, coincidentally, the song he’s feeling is called “I”m A Cool Girl” by Tove Lo. I became infatuated with it through a music podcast I listen to. We headed to the gardens after laughing at HOLLYWEED, thank you, vandals!

We parked by the entrance, my tiny car is a blessing. And we micro-dosed on acid. First time I’ve done it and I was nervous but it was SO GOOD, a micro dose is the perfect thing to do as an intro to a drug. I did it with mushrooms too and I felt just right. So the trip was more like a relaxed state than a psychedelic 70’s stereotype or whatever. Like, normally, I’d be stressed about the amount of people but instead I was just chill and focused on enjoying nature. The weather was perfect, very wet and cold and grey, all made us feel like we were not in LA but in some place of a little more substance. Also, forgive me everyone, but the sunny LA is not my jam. Every day? Every single day just plain sunny? Nah. Give me the range, the rainbow, the variety! Well… we got it! It was like cloud forrest weather, where strawberries grow weather, Netherlands weather. So, so, so nice. The grey makes the flowers stand out so preciously. If I had to describe the first day of this year it would be: I spent it inside the most beautiful painting with someone I really, really, really, like.

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After a perfect park day, Japanese gardens, the Rain Forrest, Cloud Forrest, the little kids museum part, kids garden, etc we left to walk his dog, do groceries, pet my cat, eat, drink with friends. The drink with friends was perfect, everything was perfect about this day. We took amazing photos, made jokes, talked about the party, complimented each other, had fun, played with each other’s pets, I watched Supergirl, which is my favorite soap. I’m so thankful this is how I started this year. I am so, so, so, so, so thankful to be able to come back to this post and feel good just remembering things.

Happy 2017!

-Ronnie

December 31st/January 1st (part I)

This post officially begins my year of Grateful Daily Blog, also my year and what a start to a year.I had a perfect December 31st and January 1st. So this story begins the night before.So here’s how I’m thankful:

DECEMBER 31st AND THE PARTY

On December 31st I got a little depressed but got to finally spend time by myself, cleaned and moved things around my studio, listened to Tony Robbins to get me in the spirit of a new beginning, spent time with my cat AND watched Step Up. I watch a movie a day as many days as I can. Also, on a surprising note, my family called ME and I got to talk to everyone. I showered and got dressed for the party. When I put on my jumpsuit I realized I’d gained weight since the summer and I decided not to have a crisis about it, instead I said to myself -that’s just what it currently is and my body doesn’t have to stay like that if I don’t want to- that relieved me, I also looked hot AF, I’m so blessed to have my hot body I just happened to be unnoticeable tighter in my clothes. I headed to the BF’s house where he had ordered pizza for us, what a great plan! Before I left he asked me if I had a bolo tie, which I do, and the idea that he thought of wearing such a piece AND rocked it all night long was so sexy to me, I love style and men being unafraid of jewelry, it fucking rocks that a man I’m dating would ask for such a piece. He got maaaaaaaad compliments on his style and a group of gay men noticed we matched and said we were very stylish together, thank you gay men in the balcony, that matters to me!

We pre-partied at my BF’s friend’s house (they are my friends on my own, I worked with the host in a show, I just know them less than him). That was a 7 person short hang out that was sweet and perfect. Then we headed to a big party that was full of people and, initially had a Ronnie-will-panic-vibe BUT things lined up perfectly so I was able to relax, I’m thankful for that.

  • 1. The mean girls and I never crossed paths, except for one but my BF and I bonded over being like “she’s weird” and that’s nice.
  • 2. My BF stuck with me like a gent and also offered me, no problem, the option to leave any time, which relieved me greatly
  • 3. I got the right amount of drunk/high
  • 4. My interactions with other people I sort of knew were perfect, funny, smart, short and sweet, a good mood all around.
  • 5. Got to make out at midnight
  • 6. I DANCED HARD and with BF as well.
  • 7. An actress I’m completely arrested by was there and we not only made intense eye contact but I felt the ***electricity***
  • 8. We left at the perfect time
  • 9. Had amazing sex
  • 10. Slept like babies.

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***A NOTE ON THE ELECTRICITY*** We all have it, right? that thing that goes “ppzzzzt” when you see someone or get an idea or watch an inspiring movie or piece of art. It’s that thing that calls you in, the magnet, the star. I feel that vibe with few people ever and it’s a very positive thing. Those, I consider, are my fellow aliens, people who’s frequency match mine. Usually, when this happens, I end up meeting these people, sooner or later they come to my life and I come to theirs. When this happen I also usually end up becoming friends with these people, or date them, or work with them etc. I was happy I felt it with her. When I first knew who this actress was she was winning, ahead of me you could say. I had auditioned for a big movie and I wanted it but I didn’t get a callback and she did, not only did she get a callback, she was being championed by the casting director to get the part. I was like WHO THE F IS THIS???? But, in my search for peace, I decided that, instead, I was going to learn from this person, who is she, how is she so good, why is she so good, I wanted to focus on the positives about her and not the hate, hate is useful to no one and is very damaging. So I have focused on the admirable qualities of this person. Just the day before my BF and I watched something she was in, I talked to him about my little obsession with her mystique (leaving the initial part out). I couldn’t stop thinking about her, it was just like magnet. Mere 24hrs later our eyes were crossing on the dance floor for a little longer than just a pass by and we had a moment. The way she looked at me was either she absolutely knows who I am or she’s very curious about me. I’d say OF COURSE, I called her there (let me have that). We’ll work together or see each other again soon.

Please keep reading in PART II

12/30/16 FINDING GOOD

Yesterday, 12/29, was a weird day and today has been as well, however I already felt terrible guilt for not posting yesterday, even though technically it is not time to do it on the daily yet. That’s a good sign! Here’s today’s thankfulness:

I’m thankful that I have my car! I had parked it in a friend’s garage for the holiday’s break and, when I went to turn it on, it wouldn’t. Battery was dead. So yesterday I got AAA to come over and turn it back on. I also drove around LA smoothly and went to my BF’s to get my suitcase and my cat and took it all to my place. What a nice feeling to be in my home. I’m thankful for my own space, my cat certainly is too!! My BF’s car got what we think is stolen and I am very happy that I have my car. I’m currently in a situation where Ubering and spending $ is out of the question so having my car, specially full of gas, is a blessing! Thank you for my car, life. I moved seamlessly from home to errands. What a feeling.

Speaking of home: I have started decluttering!!! (in a serious way too). I’m making a bag for a yard sale and another one for donations. I’ve been reading the book You Can Buy Happiness (And It’s Cheap) from Tammy Strobel, Tammy and her husband reduced their possessions so significantly they ended up moving into a tiny house. I feel identified with their philosophy of not letting possessions own you, but instead, you owning your possessions and your life.

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I’m thankful I started!! First with the boxes under my bed. Wigs for characters, props and costumes and hats and pantyhose drawer. I also kinda moved onto the kitchen and, mentally jumped over a cliff and decided to sell my guitar and beloved but unused bar cart. I’m so happy to see the bags of things that will be leaving my life. I also am happy to make $ from them. SO THANKFUL FOR THAT!

Work wise: Today I am performing! I’m playing a character in a comedy bit/themed show. Usually, for those, we do a one time thing and that’s that but today it’s three shows back to back AND it’s interactive theater too, which I never get to do and I’m pretty pumped about, it will feel like clowning and I love clowning. It’s nice to have a last group of shows before the year ends because I had fallen out of love with it a bit in LA.

I’m trying to get my meds right. I’m on Wellbutrin and I’ve been feeling numb. I ran out of the 150mg pills during the break and went down to 75mg to try/save some pills. Turns out I feel awful either way. What’s there to thank? OK let’s exercise this: I’m thankful for the awareness I have on my own conditions, I don’t know what’s the best course of action but I have noted things I can describe to my therapist! I’m thankful for gaining self awareness and being responsible to monitor my own feelings.

MISC THANKS:

  • I talked for a while via text with my friend Dave, who’s in NYC. I really feel happy when we do.
  • My cat is happy and thankful!
  • I am having no trouble decluttering and saying bye to things, this is a radical change from who I used to be but a year ago, always holding on to things/lugging shit around.
  • I am in a mood for cleaning and it’s always appreciated.
  • I have money coming my way THANK GOD
  • I have ideas of places where I can get work and will be applying for work this next week!
  • I have so many things I can get rid of some and still be comfortable.

Habit, Habit, Habit (Skipable practice post)

Ronnie here! As 2017 approaches and I’m deciding to put myself through a huge undertaking that I’m absolutely not used to doing, I decided to start practicing and making the habit of writing daily starting now. This post ended up longer than I thought and it’s good to know. Bare with me as I find my pace and ideal length or wait until Jan 1st. OK to start, some of my goals with this blog are:

  • To get to appreciate the things I take for granted my health, body, family, clothes, water, car, my cat being the best, etc.
  • I’d also love to change my aversion to LA as a city and find things to thank for.
  • Something I rarely do is acknowledge my work accomplishments or good things I have going for me and I want to be Grateful Daily!

First of all, I want to learn to focus on appreciating  Los Angeles, for now it’s easy as LA seems to have been abandoned by, ehm, literally everyone because most people leave during the holidays, I’m enjoying the silence and lack of emails requesting dumb stuff, I’m enjoying the non-truck ridden streets and the ease with which I can move about. And, though I’m a winter fan myself, I’m enjoying the rays of sun that have filled my mornings since I got back from FL. LOS ANGELES, I WILL FIND A WAY TO BE THANKFUL FOR YOU YEAR ROUND!

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On a personal note, these days my boyfriend is not going into the office so, although we are both being productive, for the first time we are both spending long leisurely mornings together, cuddling, having the ole sex, enjoying both our pets (I have a cat, he has a cute terrier, they are terrified of each other) and getting to have dinner with people we enjoy. I love seeing him work and planning meals together and I’m thankful that he’s in my life. Last night I was thinking he’s really a perfect match for me, not only our bodies fit like a 2-puzzle pieces set but we get along phenomenally.

Regarding my cat well, well, well this one is not hard to be thankful for. I am SO happy my cat is in my life. You see, I have the best cat on Earth (Before you hate, know that I’m aware of the poop toxin/brain thing). I had her since she was a kitten so you bet I know this lil ho, I rescued her when she was but a rat-sized rat. I never thought I’d get a cat, you see? I’m a dog person. But (and this is a longer story) I once, jokingly, told my friend that if I ever got a cat I’d like it to be a 1. Russian Blue because I find their blue grayness elegant 2. I’d only like a female and 3. It’s gotta be a kitten, so I can know/shape her a bit more. Less than two days later, our of the blue, my friend tapped on my shoulder and showed me a picture of a gray, female kitten, it was my cat and her twin Dory, she was on the way to adopting Dory and, randomly, offered me to take the other one. How did this happen? It was the cat I’d jokingly called my ideal cat, materialized in front of my eyes two days later. TWILIGHT ZONE! There’s more to this story and I’ll tell you about it in another post but I am SO THANKFUL that I got the exact cat I was looking for, not just in those external characteristics but she is MY ideal cat in EVERY SINGLE WAY.

Mina, my cat, and I have built codes of communication that we both mostly respect. I hold her and manipulate her body whenever without ever getting scratched, in fact I don’t even think she knows she can just go WAAAGH and Scarface me. I motor boat her belly (unheard of in cats) and carry her upside down around the house so she can get a different view of the objects she’s so used to. Despite getting weird looks, I walk her in my building’s yard with a leash and I groom her with a comb, frequently. It gives me and her great pleasure, I don’t want her to be my little slave, I want her to have a life. In exchange, she does a little specific meow when she’s done with me handling her, when I hear it I respect it and let her go, she knows this so, even if she might kinda try to go away, she truly only means biz when she gives me that exact noise. It works. Mina also has come up with a noise that I’ve only heard when she’s trying to get my attention, I assume this is the name she’s given me “TrrrrrrrRRR” (higher pitched at the end) I love that. She’s not a lap cat but she has taught me when and how to pet her, how to play with her and she knows how to let me know it’s time to eat in a gentle, funny way. It’s all so subtle with cats, all requires patience and mad observation skills, there’s a lot of mind games and I just LOVE THAT, ultimately the relationship is rich in non-spoken language that makes me feel so connected to nature and has taught me a lot about reading people and myself. She’s delicious and I love her and her poop toxins possessing me are the best thing that’s happened to me.

As she coexists with my BF’s dog these days, she’s been hiding most the time, with a little time to play when BF walks the dog. But today she came all the way to the bed (unheard of, since the dog sleeps with us) and even dared to play chasing feathers around the bedroom and near the bed. Later she hung in the living room and, the once terrified dog, invited her to play with a toy, she didn’t play but she didn’t leave or hiss either, she even seemed like she wanted to play so bad but her survival instinct was saying “not yet” it made my day.

Workwise, I gotta be honest and admit that I’m struggling to make this are work i this blog BUT here’s a good thing out a not-so-fun-one: I am having a bit of a hard time deciding what to focus on SOOOOOO… I can begin by being thankful for all the options I got in my creative life. As an actress I mostly audition but as a writer and creator I am free to choose from whatever my brain desires and that’s true freedom, the freedom of following my passion.

WOW this was longer than I thought, specially coming from feeling like I was not able to feel thankfulness. I just got really excited to go on this journey.

-R

Bye 2016, I was ungrateful

Hi, my name is Ronnie and, like a lot of people, I didn’t feel grateful for 2016 but 2017 will be my biatch. Welcome to the Grateful Daily Blog!

Yes, there were amazing things about this year, there were! I can even say I had the highest moment in my career this year by far, a lot of family goals were accomplished and I finally got to live in a dream studio by myself, like I’ve always wanted to. But, to be quite frank, it’s been hard to even be, er to FEEL truly thankful for most things, because so much felt so bad. Why was that?

Partly because I let myself fall into the “This year sucks” conversation. More than that, I encouraged it and brought it up consistently, I made it a focus and GUESS WHAT? It miiiiiight have brought it about. This year I’ve decided to change that and not participate in “this sucks” conversations of any kind. Another reason might be the fact that I felt out of place, it was my second year in Los Angeles (a city I’m trying to like) and where I have never quite felt like I belong. Also, to quote the luminaire Kylie Jenner, it was a “year of realizing things” in terms of how LA works, specially in showbiz, which is where I move about. I’m female and I’m not white and LA is what I initially thought of as FUCKING BEHIND in terms of race/gender, not just in Hollywood but in social interactions and real life… however, after this election, I think actually LA is not behind but right on time with the “other” half of America.

Politics aside, there are other reasons 2016 was UGH: My finances were truly out of whack, I hemorrhaged money and no check seem to ever arrive on time or with the amount of money I had expected, I miss the change of seasons of NYC (and the fast pace, the straight shooters, the hustle that so makes me motivated, inspired and alive), I’ve been stressed about whether my parents would leave Venezuela or not and, overall, I realized a lot of what I thought were close friends …were not, I went through a rough breakup and this year, suddenly, I fell out of love the thing I’ve loved all my life, the one thing that literally kept me alive so many times… Performing. If you add this up it = WOOF.

For whatever reason, internal or external, I let 2016 run me over like a corn truck runs over the corn things in the field thingies (use your imagination to make my metaphor work?) and I ain’t about to let that same thing happen to me in 2017. So I created this blog as a way to flip the script, edit my life and, in the end, find peace and happiness, which is what we are all here for.

Please join me as I thank 2017 on the daily. Here are some of my self-imposed rules:

  • There will be a post per day. In case something happens and I can’t post, I will make it up so, at the end of this year, there will be 365 posts with 2017 dates.
  • There’s no limit of the things to be thankful for but I must be thankful for a least one thing per day.
  • Pictures and links will be encouraged whenever possible, but I’m OK with this just being a written word blog.
  • Complaints, crankiness, negativity can take a hike, because the name of the game here is POSITIVITY, THANKFULNESS & YES! 2017 is the best year.
  • I will share inspirational links and stories that other people post that I consider pertinent to the Grateful Daily Blog
  • I’m allowed to add rules as I discover how to do this but the ones above this line are NOT movable!

OK, thank you for reading and stick around!! I’m remaining accountable for myself but, when all else fails (and I know myself, it might sometimes) I will remain accountable for you, my reader friend.

LET’S DO THIS!!! – R