January 6th: I Offer Self Tape Services

I’m thankful today for I woke up with an idea! I have a backdrop for photos and I have professional lights, why not offer other actors the service of helping them self tape for a little cash? So I went ahead and posted on Craigslist and I’m very happy about it.

I’ve done a million self tapes, for me, for friends, I’ve taken so many classes and I have equipment and this makes me feel like I’m doing something good for actors like me! …Of course I got to charge $ because I’m using my time and things but, the experience per se is exciting and I believe my prices are unlike others in the city.

One of the things I love the most is memorizing lines and feeling like I can nail them and I’ve gotten to do that quite a bit. I might not be right for every role, for every network or group but I know I feel good about my acting rn. I’m thankful for that and I love when people nail it. I love talent and dedication

On an excuse-souding-but-it’s-not-an-excuse note: If I haven’t been consistent on my blog… at least I’ve been pretty consistent about doing my Mind Power exercises. What is that you ask? It’s John Kehoe’s tapes about his mind power techniques. Sounds new agey? IT IS NOT! Which is one of the things I love the most about it. It’s all about controlling your mind and being aware of your thoughts and habits. It’s not positive thinking or magic – it’s literally about how we live in a world of thoughts and actions but every action had a thought before it. There are no actions that haven’t been thought of before… hence, thoughts are real forces, they create action. If we know where our mind goes we can change what we do outside of it. To me this is very logical stuff but he offers an almost academic approach to practicing mind powers. It’s basically like an Instagram Squat Challenge but… with your mind. AND I’VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT! And consistency IS THE KEY.

This is my Craigslist post where I had a friend pose and pretend like she’s acting so I could show how good my little studio looks

https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/sks/5992816284.html

Well I’m back – January 30th

The thing about setting up a goal that is every day is that I have never done it. It’s hard to open time to do things. If this is of any self-consolation: I have been doing thankfulness exercises outside of the blog and I am not giving up on this, even though I neglected it. I think this, like healthy eating, doesn’t need to be black and white… just because you slipped and fell into a cake slice with your open mouth, well, that doesn’t mean you have to eat the whole cake and give up entirely on everything forever.

Today I’m thankful for I am a single woman again. Yes, yes, it hurts and yes, yes I’m biting my fingers not to text the man, after all I didn’t decide to do this BUT you know what? I was unhappy, he was neglectful and I am the kind of person who needs communication and sweetness. Might be cultural (tho, for a Latina, I am sometimes called cold), might be personality or the fact that I am actually ready to be stable and in a relationship, either way he was not pulling the weight and I am sad now but I know happy in the long run.

He just got out of a marriage (almost a year now) and his wife was calling him to cry over her next bf’s breakup. That’s not something I want to deal with. On top of that they have a work project together that was extended by half a year due to complications – That seemed fine to me but he was getting affected by this. Depressed, etc. Frankly, he wasn’t ready and I felt it from the beginning but, since he said he was, I threw caution to the wind and decided to go for it, only for him to discover that I was right and he was not ready. He apologized for throwing us into something way more serious that he was ready for. the breakup was about him not having time or the presence of mind to be in a relationship rn. He also had almost avoided breaking up with me face to face, that’s how little he could deal with me. I understand, in a way. Here’s the thing tho: I’m not a thing to be “dealt” “with” I am a wonderful, loving individual who was giving him her all, sleeping there all the time, putting nail caps on my cat and bringing breakfast to bed to wake him up in better moods and, in reality… well, he wouldn’t do (or have the energy to do) these things for me. He was not ready to be a team. This is without even mentioning how he’d broken up with me before instead of talking to me about what he needed. Which I find emotionally immature or, maybe lazy. So…

I am grateful today for my pain. I’m grateful for the capacity I have to think WHEW! I dodged a bullet even while feeling pain and the classic breakup void. Yes, my ego hurts, yes I feel fooled and like I did a trust fall and hit the ground… yes, I am embarrassed and kind of afraid to see him with a new GF rather soon and find out that he lied about the relationship readiness so he wouldn’t have to tell me he just doesn’t like me, yes to all that HOWEVER also yes to me understanding that when I get a feeling about someone I should follow it, no matter what THEY say. Yes to me saying, at the end of this year, that I wanted to eliminate anyone who would slow me down and people weed themselves out of my life with ease. Yes to this happening now and not a year in. Yes to me being busy rn and actually relieved I don’t have to worry about why he didn’t text me back all day… because now, as much as I would love it, I’m not EXPECTING him to… at all, and that’s a relief of sort, more and more as time goes by. Yes to all my single girlfriends who smiled a bit inside when I said I was available to hang out with them. Yes to feeling so wanted in OKCupid even tho I’m terrified. Yes to not wondering why my BF doesn’t ever sleep in my place. Yes to having a real good excuse to focus on my projects hardcore. Yes to not worrying about looking good for someone, even if it’s but a little bit, but, instead, entirely for me. Yes sleeping more, sleeping home more and not feeling like a terrible mom to my cat, yes to my nights of flirting and not worrying about whether we are seeing each other too much and whether I’ve abandoned my friends. Yes to me starting over, however many times it takes to get it right and be with a person that I love.

On top of that, as I mourn our incredible chemistry, attraction, interactions and Sunday leg tangling that’s so addictive… well, I see how he was light years closer to my ideal person than the last ex, and even more than the previous to last ex. I see myself, I feel myself coming closer to what I truly really want, the person for me. What I’m willing to take and not has become more refined and specific and I am thankful for that. This albeit painful experience is to be thanked, for I am now one or two clues closer. Yesterday I thought I was not going to be able to take it, not again, wondering if he’d come back… today, after thinking a lot, I feel that if he came back I would say it’s too late. Not out of revenge or pride or a false sense of empowerment because I’m weak but because my trust was broken and I’m thankful of my now higher standards.

January 10th: One Tries

BF

Last night BF was depressed and I didn’t know how to act around him (since last time this happened he broke up with me). He wanted to sleep and fell asleep, I went to bed and kept studying scripts by his side and was sad that, for the first time, we didn’t cuddle or nothing. However, I woke up with an idea I’m so very thankful for: PSSST, PSSSST, BRING HIM BREAKFAST TO BED!!!! I had a feeling he’d be happy and that would send him onto this new day on the right foot. It did! It worked. Thank you, ideas fairy.

WORK

Only he ate, I left him all happy to have breakfast with my dad and his GF. I also got ready quickly to go to the first audition of the day. Hmmm that sounds so good! The FIRST audition of the day. So many days go by with nothing to do in terms of opportunities and here’s the day of two auditions.

My audition was for a simple part but, you know what? I felt really great about it again! If you’re tired of me saying that just know that it’s not always like that but this one was great. The casting director said they loved my job in a film I was in and that was so, so, so nice. I also ran into a friend and had a fun time at the lobby. GREATTTTTT. In case you haven’t been in a lobby b4 auditions: The air is usually thick and tensions and nervousness fill the air, there’s a process where I calm down and focus inwards so that none of this affects me, I’m mostly successful! But this time around? There was just a friend and fellow actor so no need for rituals, all fun and chill.

I’m also thankful for my second audition. I didn’t leave on a cloud, like before, but I DID feel very, very, very happy to have seen the CD that booked me in the pilot I did last year (coincidentally, the friend I found in the other lobby, earlier, was also in that pilot). I restarted a the living cheap book as well and that felt right.

PERSONAL

During breakfast I introduced my dad and GF to the idea of living in Tiny Houses and they were very interested. Man, I want to live in my own place in the fields OR in NYC. I want some job to take me to NYC but also allow me to be here in LA about 4 months a year. Both cities would be perfect. Either way, for some reason, their interest felt like a victory.

I took some of the clothes I’d separated to sell/donate to Crossroads, try to sell them first the woman couldn’t speak clearly for the love of her and she didn’t buy any of my clothes, I think she was doing it on purpose. I know that I might have manifested this interaction, I kept thinking she was annoyed with me and also I got all fearful that my clothes might not sell. They didn’t. What you think, becomes. Sooooo, to clean that energy, I went to Goodwill and donated it all. I thought that, even though I could’ve tried to sell them at Buffalo Exchange, maybe this wasn’t what was meant to happen with these particular objects and I wanted to feel just better. I said a “prayer” of thanks and let them go. I came home to dine, my dad’s GF has been cooking and we had a healthy dinner. I also expressed to my BF that I want to be frugal and he understood. Well I said I was worried about $ and he asked if maybe us eating out too much was affecting me. I said yes, he said -got it *kissy face*- Nice! I’m trying to overcome the shame of just going/asking for what I need from people, specially when it comes to money.

Today, I spent it listening to a podcast on ADHD, which makes me feel suddenly normal and, listening to people’s experiences, I become waaaaay less hard on myself about things that turn out ADHD people commonly have. If your brain is wired like mine, I highly recommend it: ADHD Rewired

I LOVE MY CAT

January 9th: Photo Shoot & Acting

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There’s a peace that comes from doing that you love, a peace that knows you better than anything. It’s different from the one that comes when you’re pleasantly in love or financially stable. It’s one with the soul. I’ve been lucky to be working on what I love these last days.

One of the things I’m thankful for is having dressed in my play’s character’s clothes and, alongside a lot of other actors, did a photo shoot for the play. It gave me an idea of my character’s deal. The shoot also felt my happy place.

While we were doing the photos at the theater I got a geeky email from my best friend, who just left to England to work, the email was a thread he’d been having with another friend of his about acting and filmmaking in general. They both had thoughts on why they didn’t like La La Land and I wholeheartedly agreed. One of my main things I dislikes was the use of non-white people as props and extras, which makes it fishy. Another point of contention had to do with a white man being a purist about Jazz and a white woman “suffering” through auditions in LA. I just can’t get behind any of this. They both seemed to have agreed about this on their own… and here’s the kicker: as white men. This is something to be thankful for. I’ve had to explain “wokeness” to white men the most. Even the most liberal and accepting amongst my young, open-minded friends have shown privilege or ignorance one way or another. Nothing terrible about it, in fact, it brings up interesting conversations. However, it is a breath of fresh air when they come to conclusions of this sort on their own and, even more so, when they are two men speaking.

I spent time with my dad and gf and then went to my BF’s place to study an acting book I just got all while writing down questions and thoughts for my play’s character. I also memorized for two auditions I had the next day.

I was about to leave this out but I won’t anymore: I had an unexpected call with my manager, where they expressed someone I admire is interested in meeting with me. When things like this happen I always say “don’t get too excited, unless you book a job and see a check in your hand is not real” but that’s a thought that I want to shift! I want to think every little bit of interest in my career from people, and specially people I admire, IS MONEY! IT IS CURRENCY! ENERGY! LOVE.

Something else I had the instinct to leave out as to “not boast” too much: Remember the audition from the day before, the 70’s one? Well, they told me I did a great job and they sent my tape to producers. This is something good, I forget to thank these things. I forget that they are a big deal because at some point, when this started happening more and more, I forgot how exciting it was and started focusing on the least important part Well, is not something to get excited about unless I book it… Unless I get the job, unless I get paid, unless I see it on the air, unless… But that ends this year! Me, four years ago, would’ve been flipping out of excitement about it because turns out, that regardless of the end result, something like this IS something to celebrate!

So many awful auditions happen on the daily in this city. So many terrible auditions I’ve been the star of. So many sad moments of driving away in my car asking my inner self, the one that’s been pushing me into this path, Why did you make me go this way if it wasn’t for me? (all while crying to Lemonade)… worst part about all this? This is normal! That suffering and shame and wondering is what’s actually normal. So, from now on, this is not boasting, my tape being sent to producers is something to be grateful for! That call about a possible meeting? IS something to be grateful for. In general, any interest, call, meeting, love, email and audition sent IS something to be grateful for.

Overall, a very ACTRESS day. My kind of day. My kind of week. Thank you, life, for days like these, specially when money comes my way as well. Which it did. I got a catering job check I was waiting for since the beginning of November. Hey, I know it’s not from acting but $ is $!

January 3rd: Fail is not in my dictionary

Yes, I’m back and yes I technically failed. My goal was to post EVERY DAY. But I did not write on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th. Five days. However, this is not the place where I beat myself up, this is the place where I pick myself up.

So I will say what I’ve been thankful for these days:

On the 2nd, Monday I was thankful to go home and spend time alone. I was also thankful I fought with my BF about my belief in manifesting, because that made me realize that my beliefs are important to me, that I don’t want anyone in my life trying to prove to me that I think I’m lucky because I don’t have specific goals. I don’t have time in my life to explain to someone how I know I have the power. The million instances where I thought of someone and they showed up or asked for a specific thing and it happened. I have focused all my energies in making the same effortless power happen for money and career stuff.

On the 3rd, Tuesday I was thankful for my BF broke up with me and I not only remained calm but confronted him that night in an open mindset, ready to listen and accept and also to negotiate and see what was up with him. It wasn’t easy but it’s a far cry from the mid 20’s girl screaming WHY to her on-again-off-again BF. This time I saw him and listened to him, regardless of how painful it could’ve been. I’m also thankful we figured out what was happening. He was depressed and confused about his career and thought “I don’t want her to see me like this and I can’t give her time and energy when I’m this depressed, better to let her go” he was embarrassed and scared and I understood him. He was thankful for the talk and I was too and we did not break up at all. It was all a wonderful learning experience I’m very grateful for. I also got booked to do a Guest Star in a popular Sitcom, they booked me sans audition and I’m so, so, so grateful for that.

On the 4th, Wednesday I had a commercial audition (which I never do because I hate cattle calls) and, later that day, I auditioned for the main character of a sitcom. A scientist woman, of all things. Very exciting whether I’m right for it or not. I felt funny and good and I clearly worked this character. The CD was kind, laughing and also directing me in a clear way. I thank days like this. I love days where I do my thing and I do it right. I was also thankful my BF seems more in love than ever.

On the 5th, Thursday I mostly cleaned my apartment and made it father presentable. My dad and his girlfriend got in that day and I made the apartment go from World War dramatization to a parents-are-coming friendly apartment. I also slept at my BF’s and have since. I also was on the phone with my aunt for a long time while I was cleaning up, talking about clearing our energies about certain topics. Both of us have a tendency to believe in the lack of money and we discussed more positive thoughts we can have on the subject. It was very productive in terms of personal goals and bonding in our already like-sisters relationship.

On the 6th, Friday I went to the sitcom’s table read and it was a special event for them, press was going to be there so the studio provided me with a driver, a make up artist and FOOOOD. I was very honored to be the only non-regular cast member at that press panel. I looked great and was funny. That afternoon I had an audition where I got to submerge in a character totally different from me. A 70’s starlet who’s excellent at manipulation. Nothing I’ve done before, this was so thrilling. I felt great all day and like a real actress. Not just a theoretical actress but an actress who acts. even if it’s in that tiny room in front of one man and a camera. AHHHHHHHH I LOVE IT. My dad also got me pots and pans. I went to party with my friends and then had fun rest of the night with my boyfriend, overall a big success of a day.

On the 7th, Saturday, I had rehearsal for a play I’m doing soon. It’s about cabaret dancers, prostitutes and it’s meant to be at a small bar where you can interact with the tables/audience. I understood, during my meeting, that this was not going to be an easy role for me to do and I was thankful and inspired by that. I also got three books on acting and loved perusing around Samuel French, oh I’m a Tinseltown stereotype but I love it.I also hung with my girlsfriends at a dive bar and then had a bit of a drunk night (me, I was drunk) with my sexy man. Mmmmmm sexy man.

On the 8th we had a delicious breakfast, he showed me a project he created, directed and edited, a project I’m in. We worked together and it was pretty fucking cool. He was cute and nervous to show me, hoped I liked it. I loved it. It was so strange to see myself in his project way before we started dating, way before we thought about it. I was proud of him. He said I was so good in it and I believe him. I said he’s the kind kind of funny person that will generously laugh when you joke, without any kind of shame or mind-game about it. Unashamedly enjoying a person’s humor is his strength (harder than it seems) and I said that he always made me feel I’m funny, I’m the funny person I am. He really loved that compliment. Later that day he said I made him laugh so hard he farted… my favorite compliment. We also went to a street vendor’s fair in LA and got ourselves some deals, he got me a necklace. My dad spent the day in Venice with his GF and I felt free. His parents said hi to me when he talked to them and I felt happy. We had a dinner with 7 other like minded people, filmmakers and actors and what not but all of them relaxed, all of them funny, all of them interested, curious, engaged, awake, alive, lovely, polite, sassy! It was a wonderful dinner I hope I never forget. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful artists.

 

January 2nd: A NYE come down

Ronnie here. Coming from a brand new shiny day into the grind isn’t that easy but, nonetheless, there are things to be thankful for:

My cat has been really delicious since I’ve spent more time home. She even slept next to me on the couch last night after falling asleep to this documentary of twins who were separated at birth and found each other all thanks to a YouTube video. The documentary was so sweet but my cat was even more and I’m thankful for that. She usually doesn’t cuddle, much less near my face.

I’m very grateful that I have Netflix and a bunch of other things available any time I want. I have this laptop and I have food on the fridge and my basic needs are pretty much covered.

Work is something I’m looking for right now and yesterday I updated my resume and printed some physical ones. I also sent some online on Indeed and Craigslist. I’m thankful I have experience and resources to actively do this search and I’m happy that I know I will find the right thing. I am also thankful to myself for taking the time this morning to define a little better what I want and my limiting money believes.

Yesterday I started writing my YA novel. I’m not saying I know what I’m doing or that I got it all outlined perfectly but I did find something and that is a voice that I’m very excited by. My main character is not what I thought originally but I think it’s better. I have had this character in my head for so long and have placed her in so many contexts in my head and I feel like I finally got it. Thank you!

Tomorrow I have an audition. I’m thankful for that as well.

There’s a long way to go on this journey and I’m not always 100% but I gotta find things to be thankful for I must. Thank you for being here while that happens.

Habit, Habit, Habit (Skipable practice post)

Ronnie here! As 2017 approaches and I’m deciding to put myself through a huge undertaking that I’m absolutely not used to doing, I decided to start practicing and making the habit of writing daily starting now. This post ended up longer than I thought and it’s good to know. Bare with me as I find my pace and ideal length or wait until Jan 1st. OK to start, some of my goals with this blog are:

  • To get to appreciate the things I take for granted my health, body, family, clothes, water, car, my cat being the best, etc.
  • I’d also love to change my aversion to LA as a city and find things to thank for.
  • Something I rarely do is acknowledge my work accomplishments or good things I have going for me and I want to be Grateful Daily!

First of all, I want to learn to focus on appreciating  Los Angeles, for now it’s easy as LA seems to have been abandoned by, ehm, literally everyone because most people leave during the holidays, I’m enjoying the silence and lack of emails requesting dumb stuff, I’m enjoying the non-truck ridden streets and the ease with which I can move about. And, though I’m a winter fan myself, I’m enjoying the rays of sun that have filled my mornings since I got back from FL. LOS ANGELES, I WILL FIND A WAY TO BE THANKFUL FOR YOU YEAR ROUND!

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On a personal note, these days my boyfriend is not going into the office so, although we are both being productive, for the first time we are both spending long leisurely mornings together, cuddling, having the ole sex, enjoying both our pets (I have a cat, he has a cute terrier, they are terrified of each other) and getting to have dinner with people we enjoy. I love seeing him work and planning meals together and I’m thankful that he’s in my life. Last night I was thinking he’s really a perfect match for me, not only our bodies fit like a 2-puzzle pieces set but we get along phenomenally.

Regarding my cat well, well, well this one is not hard to be thankful for. I am SO happy my cat is in my life. You see, I have the best cat on Earth (Before you hate, know that I’m aware of the poop toxin/brain thing). I had her since she was a kitten so you bet I know this lil ho, I rescued her when she was but a rat-sized rat. I never thought I’d get a cat, you see? I’m a dog person. But (and this is a longer story) I once, jokingly, told my friend that if I ever got a cat I’d like it to be a 1. Russian Blue because I find their blue grayness elegant 2. I’d only like a female and 3. It’s gotta be a kitten, so I can know/shape her a bit more. Less than two days later, our of the blue, my friend tapped on my shoulder and showed me a picture of a gray, female kitten, it was my cat and her twin Dory, she was on the way to adopting Dory and, randomly, offered me to take the other one. How did this happen? It was the cat I’d jokingly called my ideal cat, materialized in front of my eyes two days later. TWILIGHT ZONE! There’s more to this story and I’ll tell you about it in another post but I am SO THANKFUL that I got the exact cat I was looking for, not just in those external characteristics but she is MY ideal cat in EVERY SINGLE WAY.

Mina, my cat, and I have built codes of communication that we both mostly respect. I hold her and manipulate her body whenever without ever getting scratched, in fact I don’t even think she knows she can just go WAAAGH and Scarface me. I motor boat her belly (unheard of in cats) and carry her upside down around the house so she can get a different view of the objects she’s so used to. Despite getting weird looks, I walk her in my building’s yard with a leash and I groom her with a comb, frequently. It gives me and her great pleasure, I don’t want her to be my little slave, I want her to have a life. In exchange, she does a little specific meow when she’s done with me handling her, when I hear it I respect it and let her go, she knows this so, even if she might kinda try to go away, she truly only means biz when she gives me that exact noise. It works. Mina also has come up with a noise that I’ve only heard when she’s trying to get my attention, I assume this is the name she’s given me “TrrrrrrrRRR” (higher pitched at the end) I love that. She’s not a lap cat but she has taught me when and how to pet her, how to play with her and she knows how to let me know it’s time to eat in a gentle, funny way. It’s all so subtle with cats, all requires patience and mad observation skills, there’s a lot of mind games and I just LOVE THAT, ultimately the relationship is rich in non-spoken language that makes me feel so connected to nature and has taught me a lot about reading people and myself. She’s delicious and I love her and her poop toxins possessing me are the best thing that’s happened to me.

As she coexists with my BF’s dog these days, she’s been hiding most the time, with a little time to play when BF walks the dog. But today she came all the way to the bed (unheard of, since the dog sleeps with us) and even dared to play chasing feathers around the bedroom and near the bed. Later she hung in the living room and, the once terrified dog, invited her to play with a toy, she didn’t play but she didn’t leave or hiss either, she even seemed like she wanted to play so bad but her survival instinct was saying “not yet” it made my day.

Workwise, I gotta be honest and admit that I’m struggling to make this are work i this blog BUT here’s a good thing out a not-so-fun-one: I am having a bit of a hard time deciding what to focus on SOOOOOO… I can begin by being thankful for all the options I got in my creative life. As an actress I mostly audition but as a writer and creator I am free to choose from whatever my brain desires and that’s true freedom, the freedom of following my passion.

WOW this was longer than I thought, specially coming from feeling like I was not able to feel thankfulness. I just got really excited to go on this journey.

-R