January 12: Worst Day Ever? Let’s Thank It

Yo, today was hard AF. I woke up with a weird feeling. I also woke up with the news that I needed to pay my union or I was not going to be able to work next week, problem is: I am currently real low on the $ and the dues were larger than I thought. I had to borrow $. I am thankful then that I found someone to lend me dinero, someone I can pay back later and I know will be OK. Not everyone has someone like that in their lives.

After that I had to take my dad and GF to the gyno, she wasn’t feeling well, it’s all good now. I also suddenly had a meeting in  50 minutes, I was in my pajamas and the commute to there was 45min, I don’t ever get ready in 5min, I have no concept of time, like it’s actually, medically, really, hard for me. I have systems in place to make sure I make it to places and they still fail sometimes so, thrown into something like this, when my dad is around and they are both using my bathroom was hard> BUT!!!! They moved my meeting, I had extra time and it actually went very, very well.

Getting into why the rest of the day was so awful would be rehashing and I want to feel gratefulness! I won’t go into detail but, just to spare the suspense, I got news from a family member that were highly stressful to me and I spent the day crying, sobbing and thinking I’d quit it all, because acting was a terrible non-financially realistic career choice, I fantasized I’d sell all my stuff and move to the middle of the country and then live in a cabin, away from people and family and it all, until I become that crazy lady people talk about, the one kids think eats children? But, somehow, in the midst of all this and with the help of my BF, I pulled myself together and did the following things:

  • Learned my lines for an audition I have today, January 13th.
  • Went to the read through of a film script my friend wrote and he provided dinner.
  • Organized the lineup of my live show, which means I read submissions, created a lineup of what I hoped was the best, replied to the people who got in.
  • Had a productive phone conversation with my manager about the meeting from earlier.
  • Started learning the lines for the play.

This is at my most depressed and thinking I’d quit. This is me while unable to keep my eyes open too long because of how much I’d been crying. Damn, girl. My BF helped, he said -Spend the next hour memorizing lines- and then I did and I had extra time so I started working on something else and the ball rolled.

My friend A, who’s my most precious friend and now lives in England, woke up when I was crying and alone and needing someone, so we talked a bit and made each other laugh. That lifted my spirits. I also did a bunch of Italian lessons in Duolingo.

I gotta admit that partly my cries were all about finances. How can I change my approach about money? Any suggestions? I’ve tried so hard to believe that money comes my way easily, that I DO have a profitable career, even when I remember I HAVE made a lot of money in the past with it somehow is hard to believe it’ll happen again. Being in debt doesn’t help but… how can I change this perspective? I want to be thankful about the money I have. Please comment below.

 

 

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January 11th: Psychiatrist Lol

It’s completely on brand that I didn’t post my thankfulness from Jan 11th the day I went to the psychiatrist to talk about my anxiety and ADHD. ADHD is this way I’m wired where I forget everything and remember everything at the times that is less needed but.makes.sense.to.me.

I’m very thankful I got my doctor, I went in for anxiety and depression, at the time I’d been having panic attacks (I think as it dawned on me that I now lived in a city I didn’t like and where people seemed… just extras in a movie) and, almost immediately, she determined I was ADD and that treating it would take care of the rest. I tried to argue it but, know what? She was right AF. I’m a fiddler and consistently moving, I lose track of what I’m saying, have no sense of time and numbers, they are an abstract lie to me. Maybe if I wasn’t ADD I’d be better with money and I’d be on time. If you ask me how long a task will take me… I’ll basically say a number while secretly make fun of you for thinking you make any sense. It’s a little bit Alice in Wonderland in here. Except that, to me, it makes sense! What DOES NOT make sense is the way things work. Bills, all at a different date, all at different numbers. And why do cents exist? Round that shit up. Anyway, I’m thankful for her. She is trying to figure me out and has been really kind about it. She has actually forgiven me for a couple of no-shows. In a book, later, I discovered therapists know ADD people tend to be no-shows so, they might be kinder to them? She’s great and, though I’m medicated, I know she is really concerned about my health.

I’m also thankful I went to Mimi Lazo’s show that night. She’s an Internationally recognized and awarded actress from Venezuela and, in her 60’s, she is doing a monologue in English for the first time ever. You gotta fucking admire that. That is amazing. I was so impressed by her. A star is a star in any language and country and, as hard as starting over can be, specially later in life, she didn’t bat an eye, she just charged ahead. Fucking amazing.

LA’s rain is lovely

 

 

Happy New Year!

A good reminder that we are all lucky to be in this life, alive!

cancer killing recipe

Whatever happened to me over this past year, I’m thankful for where it brought me. Because where I’m is where I’m meant to be.
And I’m happy that I Am.
And I’m thankful for every day of this Year.
The good and the bad ones.

My resolution for New Year: I WANT TO LIVE!
I want to be able to walk, talk and remember where I want to go and what I want to say… 🙂 !
This will make me very happy.

I make plans.
But I know, that every new day may bring new opportunities and new challenges.
So I will change my plans.
I will make decisions.
I will make mistakes.
I will live…
And be happy that I Am.

Thank you for visiting.

Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!!!
Pray for Peace.

God bless you all.

Oneanna65

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12/30/16 FINDING GOOD

Yesterday, 12/29, was a weird day and today has been as well, however I already felt terrible guilt for not posting yesterday, even though technically it is not time to do it on the daily yet. That’s a good sign! Here’s today’s thankfulness:

I’m thankful that I have my car! I had parked it in a friend’s garage for the holiday’s break and, when I went to turn it on, it wouldn’t. Battery was dead. So yesterday I got AAA to come over and turn it back on. I also drove around LA smoothly and went to my BF’s to get my suitcase and my cat and took it all to my place. What a nice feeling to be in my home. I’m thankful for my own space, my cat certainly is too!! My BF’s car got what we think is stolen and I am very happy that I have my car. I’m currently in a situation where Ubering and spending $ is out of the question so having my car, specially full of gas, is a blessing! Thank you for my car, life. I moved seamlessly from home to errands. What a feeling.

Speaking of home: I have started decluttering!!! (in a serious way too). I’m making a bag for a yard sale and another one for donations. I’ve been reading the book You Can Buy Happiness (And It’s Cheap) from Tammy Strobel, Tammy and her husband reduced their possessions so significantly they ended up moving into a tiny house. I feel identified with their philosophy of not letting possessions own you, but instead, you owning your possessions and your life.

tumbleweed_tiny_house-main

I’m thankful I started!! First with the boxes under my bed. Wigs for characters, props and costumes and hats and pantyhose drawer. I also kinda moved onto the kitchen and, mentally jumped over a cliff and decided to sell my guitar and beloved but unused bar cart. I’m so happy to see the bags of things that will be leaving my life. I also am happy to make $ from them. SO THANKFUL FOR THAT!

Work wise: Today I am performing! I’m playing a character in a comedy bit/themed show. Usually, for those, we do a one time thing and that’s that but today it’s three shows back to back AND it’s interactive theater too, which I never get to do and I’m pretty pumped about, it will feel like clowning and I love clowning. It’s nice to have a last group of shows before the year ends because I had fallen out of love with it a bit in LA.

I’m trying to get my meds right. I’m on Wellbutrin and I’ve been feeling numb. I ran out of the 150mg pills during the break and went down to 75mg to try/save some pills. Turns out I feel awful either way. What’s there to thank? OK let’s exercise this: I’m thankful for the awareness I have on my own conditions, I don’t know what’s the best course of action but I have noted things I can describe to my therapist! I’m thankful for gaining self awareness and being responsible to monitor my own feelings.

MISC THANKS:

  • I talked for a while via text with my friend Dave, who’s in NYC. I really feel happy when we do.
  • My cat is happy and thankful!
  • I am having no trouble decluttering and saying bye to things, this is a radical change from who I used to be but a year ago, always holding on to things/lugging shit around.
  • I am in a mood for cleaning and it’s always appreciated.
  • I have money coming my way THANK GOD
  • I have ideas of places where I can get work and will be applying for work this next week!
  • I have so many things I can get rid of some and still be comfortable.