January 6th: I Offer Self Tape Services

I’m thankful today for I woke up with an idea! I have a backdrop for photos and I have professional lights, why not offer other actors the service of helping them self tape for a little cash? So I went ahead and posted on Craigslist and I’m very happy about it.

I’ve done a million self tapes, for me, for friends, I’ve taken so many classes and I have equipment and this makes me feel like I’m doing something good for actors like me! …Of course I got to charge $ because I’m using my time and things but, the experience per se is exciting and I believe my prices are unlike others in the city.

One of the things I love the most is memorizing lines and feeling like I can nail them and I’ve gotten to do that quite a bit. I might not be right for every role, for every network or group but I know I feel good about my acting rn. I’m thankful for that and I love when people nail it. I love talent and dedication

On an excuse-souding-but-it’s-not-an-excuse note: If I haven’t been consistent on my blog… at least I’ve been pretty consistent about doing my Mind Power exercises. What is that you ask? It’s John Kehoe’s tapes about his mind power techniques. Sounds new agey? IT IS NOT! Which is one of the things I love the most about it. It’s all about controlling your mind and being aware of your thoughts and habits. It’s not positive thinking or magic – it’s literally about how we live in a world of thoughts and actions but every action had a thought before it. There are no actions that haven’t been thought of before… hence, thoughts are real forces, they create action. If we know where our mind goes we can change what we do outside of it. To me this is very logical stuff but he offers an almost academic approach to practicing mind powers. It’s basically like an Instagram Squat Challenge but… with your mind. AND I’VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT! And consistency IS THE KEY.

This is my Craigslist post where I had a friend pose and pretend like she’s acting so I could show how good my little studio looks

https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/sks/5992816284.html

Well I’m back – January 30th

The thing about setting up a goal that is every day is that I have never done it. It’s hard to open time to do things. If this is of any self-consolation: I have been doing thankfulness exercises outside of the blog and I am not giving up on this, even though I neglected it. I think this, like healthy eating, doesn’t need to be black and white… just because you slipped and fell into a cake slice with your open mouth, well, that doesn’t mean you have to eat the whole cake and give up entirely on everything forever.

Today I’m thankful for I am a single woman again. Yes, yes, it hurts and yes, yes I’m biting my fingers not to text the man, after all I didn’t decide to do this BUT you know what? I was unhappy, he was neglectful and I am the kind of person who needs communication and sweetness. Might be cultural (tho, for a Latina, I am sometimes called cold), might be personality or the fact that I am actually ready to be stable and in a relationship, either way he was not pulling the weight and I am sad now but I know happy in the long run.

He just got out of a marriage (almost a year now) and his wife was calling him to cry over her next bf’s breakup. That’s not something I want to deal with. On top of that they have a work project together that was extended by half a year due to complications – That seemed fine to me but he was getting affected by this. Depressed, etc. Frankly, he wasn’t ready and I felt it from the beginning but, since he said he was, I threw caution to the wind and decided to go for it, only for him to discover that I was right and he was not ready. He apologized for throwing us into something way more serious that he was ready for. the breakup was about him not having time or the presence of mind to be in a relationship rn. He also had almost avoided breaking up with me face to face, that’s how little he could deal with me. I understand, in a way. Here’s the thing tho: I’m not a thing to be “dealt” “with” I am a wonderful, loving individual who was giving him her all, sleeping there all the time, putting nail caps on my cat and bringing breakfast to bed to wake him up in better moods and, in reality… well, he wouldn’t do (or have the energy to do) these things for me. He was not ready to be a team. This is without even mentioning how he’d broken up with me before instead of talking to me about what he needed. Which I find emotionally immature or, maybe lazy. So…

I am grateful today for my pain. I’m grateful for the capacity I have to think WHEW! I dodged a bullet even while feeling pain and the classic breakup void. Yes, my ego hurts, yes I feel fooled and like I did a trust fall and hit the ground… yes, I am embarrassed and kind of afraid to see him with a new GF rather soon and find out that he lied about the relationship readiness so he wouldn’t have to tell me he just doesn’t like me, yes to all that HOWEVER also yes to me understanding that when I get a feeling about someone I should follow it, no matter what THEY say. Yes to me saying, at the end of this year, that I wanted to eliminate anyone who would slow me down and people weed themselves out of my life with ease. Yes to this happening now and not a year in. Yes to me being busy rn and actually relieved I don’t have to worry about why he didn’t text me back all day… because now, as much as I would love it, I’m not EXPECTING him to… at all, and that’s a relief of sort, more and more as time goes by. Yes to all my single girlfriends who smiled a bit inside when I said I was available to hang out with them. Yes to feeling so wanted in OKCupid even tho I’m terrified. Yes to not wondering why my BF doesn’t ever sleep in my place. Yes to having a real good excuse to focus on my projects hardcore. Yes to not worrying about looking good for someone, even if it’s but a little bit, but, instead, entirely for me. Yes sleeping more, sleeping home more and not feeling like a terrible mom to my cat, yes to my nights of flirting and not worrying about whether we are seeing each other too much and whether I’ve abandoned my friends. Yes to me starting over, however many times it takes to get it right and be with a person that I love.

On top of that, as I mourn our incredible chemistry, attraction, interactions and Sunday leg tangling that’s so addictive… well, I see how he was light years closer to my ideal person than the last ex, and even more than the previous to last ex. I see myself, I feel myself coming closer to what I truly really want, the person for me. What I’m willing to take and not has become more refined and specific and I am thankful for that. This albeit painful experience is to be thanked, for I am now one or two clues closer. Yesterday I thought I was not going to be able to take it, not again, wondering if he’d come back… today, after thinking a lot, I feel that if he came back I would say it’s too late. Not out of revenge or pride or a false sense of empowerment because I’m weak but because my trust was broken and I’m thankful of my now higher standards.

January 12: Worst Day Ever? Let’s Thank It

Yo, today was hard AF. I woke up with a weird feeling. I also woke up with the news that I needed to pay my union or I was not going to be able to work next week, problem is: I am currently real low on the $ and the dues were larger than I thought. I had to borrow $. I am thankful then that I found someone to lend me dinero, someone I can pay back later and I know will be OK. Not everyone has someone like that in their lives.

After that I had to take my dad and GF to the gyno, she wasn’t feeling well, it’s all good now. I also suddenly had a meeting in  50 minutes, I was in my pajamas and the commute to there was 45min, I don’t ever get ready in 5min, I have no concept of time, like it’s actually, medically, really, hard for me. I have systems in place to make sure I make it to places and they still fail sometimes so, thrown into something like this, when my dad is around and they are both using my bathroom was hard> BUT!!!! They moved my meeting, I had extra time and it actually went very, very well.

Getting into why the rest of the day was so awful would be rehashing and I want to feel gratefulness! I won’t go into detail but, just to spare the suspense, I got news from a family member that were highly stressful to me and I spent the day crying, sobbing and thinking I’d quit it all, because acting was a terrible non-financially realistic career choice, I fantasized I’d sell all my stuff and move to the middle of the country and then live in a cabin, away from people and family and it all, until I become that crazy lady people talk about, the one kids think eats children? But, somehow, in the midst of all this and with the help of my BF, I pulled myself together and did the following things:

  • Learned my lines for an audition I have today, January 13th.
  • Went to the read through of a film script my friend wrote and he provided dinner.
  • Organized the lineup of my live show, which means I read submissions, created a lineup of what I hoped was the best, replied to the people who got in.
  • Had a productive phone conversation with my manager about the meeting from earlier.
  • Started learning the lines for the play.

This is at my most depressed and thinking I’d quit. This is me while unable to keep my eyes open too long because of how much I’d been crying. Damn, girl. My BF helped, he said -Spend the next hour memorizing lines- and then I did and I had extra time so I started working on something else and the ball rolled.

My friend A, who’s my most precious friend and now lives in England, woke up when I was crying and alone and needing someone, so we talked a bit and made each other laugh. That lifted my spirits. I also did a bunch of Italian lessons in Duolingo.

I gotta admit that partly my cries were all about finances. How can I change my approach about money? Any suggestions? I’ve tried so hard to believe that money comes my way easily, that I DO have a profitable career, even when I remember I HAVE made a lot of money in the past with it somehow is hard to believe it’ll happen again. Being in debt doesn’t help but… how can I change this perspective? I want to be thankful about the money I have. Please comment below.

 

 

January 11th: Psychiatrist Lol

It’s completely on brand that I didn’t post my thankfulness from Jan 11th the day I went to the psychiatrist to talk about my anxiety and ADHD. ADHD is this way I’m wired where I forget everything and remember everything at the times that is less needed but.makes.sense.to.me.

I’m very thankful I got my doctor, I went in for anxiety and depression, at the time I’d been having panic attacks (I think as it dawned on me that I now lived in a city I didn’t like and where people seemed… just extras in a movie) and, almost immediately, she determined I was ADD and that treating it would take care of the rest. I tried to argue it but, know what? She was right AF. I’m a fiddler and consistently moving, I lose track of what I’m saying, have no sense of time and numbers, they are an abstract lie to me. Maybe if I wasn’t ADD I’d be better with money and I’d be on time. If you ask me how long a task will take me… I’ll basically say a number while secretly make fun of you for thinking you make any sense. It’s a little bit Alice in Wonderland in here. Except that, to me, it makes sense! What DOES NOT make sense is the way things work. Bills, all at a different date, all at different numbers. And why do cents exist? Round that shit up. Anyway, I’m thankful for her. She is trying to figure me out and has been really kind about it. She has actually forgiven me for a couple of no-shows. In a book, later, I discovered therapists know ADD people tend to be no-shows so, they might be kinder to them? She’s great and, though I’m medicated, I know she is really concerned about my health.

I’m also thankful I went to Mimi Lazo’s show that night. She’s an Internationally recognized and awarded actress from Venezuela and, in her 60’s, she is doing a monologue in English for the first time ever. You gotta fucking admire that. That is amazing. I was so impressed by her. A star is a star in any language and country and, as hard as starting over can be, specially later in life, she didn’t bat an eye, she just charged ahead. Fucking amazing.

LA’s rain is lovely

 

 

Happy New Year!

A good reminder that we are all lucky to be in this life, alive!

cancer killing recipe

Whatever happened to me over this past year, I’m thankful for where it brought me. Because where I’m is where I’m meant to be.
And I’m happy that I Am.
And I’m thankful for every day of this Year.
The good and the bad ones.

My resolution for New Year: I WANT TO LIVE!
I want to be able to walk, talk and remember where I want to go and what I want to say… 🙂 !
This will make me very happy.

I make plans.
But I know, that every new day may bring new opportunities and new challenges.
So I will change my plans.
I will make decisions.
I will make mistakes.
I will live…
And be happy that I Am.

Thank you for visiting.

Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!!!
Pray for Peace.

God bless you all.

Oneanna65

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January 10th: One Tries

BF

Last night BF was depressed and I didn’t know how to act around him (since last time this happened he broke up with me). He wanted to sleep and fell asleep, I went to bed and kept studying scripts by his side and was sad that, for the first time, we didn’t cuddle or nothing. However, I woke up with an idea I’m so very thankful for: PSSST, PSSSST, BRING HIM BREAKFAST TO BED!!!! I had a feeling he’d be happy and that would send him onto this new day on the right foot. It did! It worked. Thank you, ideas fairy.

WORK

Only he ate, I left him all happy to have breakfast with my dad and his GF. I also got ready quickly to go to the first audition of the day. Hmmm that sounds so good! The FIRST audition of the day. So many days go by with nothing to do in terms of opportunities and here’s the day of two auditions.

My audition was for a simple part but, you know what? I felt really great about it again! If you’re tired of me saying that just know that it’s not always like that but this one was great. The casting director said they loved my job in a film I was in and that was so, so, so nice. I also ran into a friend and had a fun time at the lobby. GREATTTTTT. In case you haven’t been in a lobby b4 auditions: The air is usually thick and tensions and nervousness fill the air, there’s a process where I calm down and focus inwards so that none of this affects me, I’m mostly successful! But this time around? There was just a friend and fellow actor so no need for rituals, all fun and chill.

I’m also thankful for my second audition. I didn’t leave on a cloud, like before, but I DID feel very, very, very happy to have seen the CD that booked me in the pilot I did last year (coincidentally, the friend I found in the other lobby, earlier, was also in that pilot). I restarted a the living cheap book as well and that felt right.

PERSONAL

During breakfast I introduced my dad and GF to the idea of living in Tiny Houses and they were very interested. Man, I want to live in my own place in the fields OR in NYC. I want some job to take me to NYC but also allow me to be here in LA about 4 months a year. Both cities would be perfect. Either way, for some reason, their interest felt like a victory.

I took some of the clothes I’d separated to sell/donate to Crossroads, try to sell them first the woman couldn’t speak clearly for the love of her and she didn’t buy any of my clothes, I think she was doing it on purpose. I know that I might have manifested this interaction, I kept thinking she was annoyed with me and also I got all fearful that my clothes might not sell. They didn’t. What you think, becomes. Sooooo, to clean that energy, I went to Goodwill and donated it all. I thought that, even though I could’ve tried to sell them at Buffalo Exchange, maybe this wasn’t what was meant to happen with these particular objects and I wanted to feel just better. I said a “prayer” of thanks and let them go. I came home to dine, my dad’s GF has been cooking and we had a healthy dinner. I also expressed to my BF that I want to be frugal and he understood. Well I said I was worried about $ and he asked if maybe us eating out too much was affecting me. I said yes, he said -got it *kissy face*- Nice! I’m trying to overcome the shame of just going/asking for what I need from people, specially when it comes to money.

Today, I spent it listening to a podcast on ADHD, which makes me feel suddenly normal and, listening to people’s experiences, I become waaaaay less hard on myself about things that turn out ADHD people commonly have. If your brain is wired like mine, I highly recommend it: ADHD Rewired

I LOVE MY CAT

January 9th: Photo Shoot & Acting

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There’s a peace that comes from doing that you love, a peace that knows you better than anything. It’s different from the one that comes when you’re pleasantly in love or financially stable. It’s one with the soul. I’ve been lucky to be working on what I love these last days.

One of the things I’m thankful for is having dressed in my play’s character’s clothes and, alongside a lot of other actors, did a photo shoot for the play. It gave me an idea of my character’s deal. The shoot also felt my happy place.

While we were doing the photos at the theater I got a geeky email from my best friend, who just left to England to work, the email was a thread he’d been having with another friend of his about acting and filmmaking in general. They both had thoughts on why they didn’t like La La Land and I wholeheartedly agreed. One of my main things I dislikes was the use of non-white people as props and extras, which makes it fishy. Another point of contention had to do with a white man being a purist about Jazz and a white woman “suffering” through auditions in LA. I just can’t get behind any of this. They both seemed to have agreed about this on their own… and here’s the kicker: as white men. This is something to be thankful for. I’ve had to explain “wokeness” to white men the most. Even the most liberal and accepting amongst my young, open-minded friends have shown privilege or ignorance one way or another. Nothing terrible about it, in fact, it brings up interesting conversations. However, it is a breath of fresh air when they come to conclusions of this sort on their own and, even more so, when they are two men speaking.

I spent time with my dad and gf and then went to my BF’s place to study an acting book I just got all while writing down questions and thoughts for my play’s character. I also memorized for two auditions I had the next day.

I was about to leave this out but I won’t anymore: I had an unexpected call with my manager, where they expressed someone I admire is interested in meeting with me. When things like this happen I always say “don’t get too excited, unless you book a job and see a check in your hand is not real” but that’s a thought that I want to shift! I want to think every little bit of interest in my career from people, and specially people I admire, IS MONEY! IT IS CURRENCY! ENERGY! LOVE.

Something else I had the instinct to leave out as to “not boast” too much: Remember the audition from the day before, the 70’s one? Well, they told me I did a great job and they sent my tape to producers. This is something good, I forget to thank these things. I forget that they are a big deal because at some point, when this started happening more and more, I forgot how exciting it was and started focusing on the least important part Well, is not something to get excited about unless I book it… Unless I get the job, unless I get paid, unless I see it on the air, unless… But that ends this year! Me, four years ago, would’ve been flipping out of excitement about it because turns out, that regardless of the end result, something like this IS something to celebrate!

So many awful auditions happen on the daily in this city. So many terrible auditions I’ve been the star of. So many sad moments of driving away in my car asking my inner self, the one that’s been pushing me into this path, Why did you make me go this way if it wasn’t for me? (all while crying to Lemonade)… worst part about all this? This is normal! That suffering and shame and wondering is what’s actually normal. So, from now on, this is not boasting, my tape being sent to producers is something to be grateful for! That call about a possible meeting? IS something to be grateful for. In general, any interest, call, meeting, love, email and audition sent IS something to be grateful for.

Overall, a very ACTRESS day. My kind of day. My kind of week. Thank you, life, for days like these, specially when money comes my way as well. Which it did. I got a catering job check I was waiting for since the beginning of November. Hey, I know it’s not from acting but $ is $!