Well I’m back – January 30th

The thing about setting up a goal that is every day is that I have never done it. It’s hard to open time to do things. If this is of any self-consolation: I have been doing thankfulness exercises outside of the blog and I am not giving up on this, even though I neglected it. I think this, like healthy eating, doesn’t need to be black and white… just because you slipped and fell into a cake slice with your open mouth, well, that doesn’t mean you have to eat the whole cake and give up entirely on everything forever.

Today I’m thankful for I am a single woman again. Yes, yes, it hurts and yes, yes I’m biting my fingers not to text the man, after all I didn’t decide to do this BUT you know what? I was unhappy, he was neglectful and I am the kind of person who needs communication and sweetness. Might be cultural (tho, for a Latina, I am sometimes called cold), might be personality or the fact that I am actually ready to be stable and in a relationship, either way he was not pulling the weight and I am sad now but I know happy in the long run.

He just got out of a marriage (almost a year now) and his wife was calling him to cry over her next bf’s breakup. That’s not something I want to deal with. On top of that they have a work project together that was extended by half a year due to complications – That seemed fine to me but he was getting affected by this. Depressed, etc. Frankly, he wasn’t ready and I felt it from the beginning but, since he said he was, I threw caution to the wind and decided to go for it, only for him to discover that I was right and he was not ready. He apologized for throwing us into something way more serious that he was ready for. the breakup was about him not having time or the presence of mind to be in a relationship rn. He also had almost avoided breaking up with me face to face, that’s how little he could deal with me. I understand, in a way. Here’s the thing tho: I’m not a thing to be “dealt” “with” I am a wonderful, loving individual who was giving him her all, sleeping there all the time, putting nail caps on my cat and bringing breakfast to bed to wake him up in better moods and, in reality… well, he wouldn’t do (or have the energy to do) these things for me. He was not ready to be a team. This is without even mentioning how he’d broken up with me before instead of talking to me about what he needed. Which I find emotionally immature or, maybe lazy. So…

I am grateful today for my pain. I’m grateful for the capacity I have to think WHEW! I dodged a bullet even while feeling pain and the classic breakup void. Yes, my ego hurts, yes I feel fooled and like I did a trust fall and hit the ground… yes, I am embarrassed and kind of afraid to see him with a new GF rather soon and find out that he lied about the relationship readiness so he wouldn’t have to tell me he just doesn’t like me, yes to all that HOWEVER also yes to me understanding that when I get a feeling about someone I should follow it, no matter what THEY say. Yes to me saying, at the end of this year, that I wanted to eliminate anyone who would slow me down and people weed themselves out of my life with ease. Yes to this happening now and not a year in. Yes to me being busy rn and actually relieved I don’t have to worry about why he didn’t text me back all day… because now, as much as I would love it, I’m not EXPECTING him to… at all, and that’s a relief of sort, more and more as time goes by. Yes to all my single girlfriends who smiled a bit inside when I said I was available to hang out with them. Yes to feeling so wanted in OKCupid even tho I’m terrified. Yes to not wondering why my BF doesn’t ever sleep in my place. Yes to having a real good excuse to focus on my projects hardcore. Yes to not worrying about looking good for someone, even if it’s but a little bit, but, instead, entirely for me. Yes sleeping more, sleeping home more and not feeling like a terrible mom to my cat, yes to my nights of flirting and not worrying about whether we are seeing each other too much and whether I’ve abandoned my friends. Yes to me starting over, however many times it takes to get it right and be with a person that I love.

On top of that, as I mourn our incredible chemistry, attraction, interactions and Sunday leg tangling that’s so addictive… well, I see how he was light years closer to my ideal person than the last ex, and even more than the previous to last ex. I see myself, I feel myself coming closer to what I truly really want, the person for me. What I’m willing to take and not has become more refined and specific and I am thankful for that. This albeit painful experience is to be thanked, for I am now one or two clues closer. Yesterday I thought I was not going to be able to take it, not again, wondering if he’d come back… today, after thinking a lot, I feel that if he came back I would say it’s too late. Not out of revenge or pride or a false sense of empowerment because I’m weak but because my trust was broken and I’m thankful of my now higher standards.

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